Prince of Thorns by Mark Lawrence

2 Stars

Back in 2011 I kept hearing about this new up and coming author, Mark Lawrence and what a wunderkind he was. He was on the forefront of this new fantasy sub-genre, something called “grim dark”. I figured I had nothing to lose and dived into it.

Oh my goodness.  I was shocked, to say the least. Jorg was a 13 year old psychopath who raped and murdered his way through the book. There wasn’t a single good thing I could point to and it left me feeling betrayed and angry at Lawrence.  I don’t even remember any details about the plot, as Jorg dominated everything in my mind.

If I wanted that kind of entertainment, I can turn on the news. Seriously, there is enough horrible stuff in the real world, every single minute, of rape, of abuse, of neglect, of despair and of death for any sicko to get their rocks off. So why someone voluntarily reads this for fun is beyond me. What amazes me even more (in a bad way) is that someone wrote this. It boggles my mind that such filth was given the light of day. How does Lawrence go out in public knowing he penned, for any and all to read,  such things?

And those strong feelings are why I’ve never read another Lawrence book since.  In the last couple of years I have heard good things about his Red Sister trilogy. Once the final book is out and if it doesn’t stoop to frenzied levels of despairing violence, I’ll probably give Lawrence another chance. But even if I like it, I’ll always remember that this guy wrote someone like Jorg.

• SaBB – Sword of the Archon
• SaBB – Catch-22
• SaBB – The Swords of the Sultan!
• SaBB – A Quest of Heroes
• SaBB – Freeware
• SaBB – An Enemy Reborn
• SaBB – Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
• SaBB – Shadows Rise
• SaBB – The Boy and the Peddler of Death
• SaBB – The Space Vampires
• Previous Thriving on a Good Book posts

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller

1 Star

This book is the classic example of where humor is NOT universal. As I was reading this I could almost SEE Heller trying to squeeze in the humor but for me, it came across as the vampire bite of satire rather than the bonhomie satire.  It has been almost 9 years since I read this and I’ve never been tempted to re-read it to see if my opinion has changed or to search out any other works by Heller. In fact, this book makes me feel like this:

I know nothing about Heller’s real life experience in the war. I only know this was written 8+ years after the war had ended and wasn’t published until 1961.  I just know that I found the mocking, the bitterness and the complete degradation through humor of the men who served in WWII to to be completely unpalatable. I couldn’t find the situations humorous. It is kind of like me making jokes about dead squirrels, or running them over or something. I find that uproariously hilarious but Mrs B will burst into tears, so I have learned to not tell those kind of jokes around her.

Another reason I was disappointed was that I was expecting the humor to be right down my alley.  Making fun of a situation and the people involved because of stupidity. Yessir, sign me up! And like I said, it just didn’t work for me.

I guess this was more of a bittersweet Survival Story than anything. I am glad I read this so I have it in my reading repertoire, but really, I almost wish I could un-read this so as to not have this huge black hole of disappointment where this book resides in my mind.

• SaBB – The Swords of the Sultan!
• SaBB – A Quest of Heroes
• SaBB – Freeware
• SaBB – An Enemy Reborn
• SaBB – Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
• SaBB – Shadows Rise
• SaBB – The Boy and the Peddler of Death
• SaBB – The Space Vampires

The Swords of the Sultan! by J. Erik Booker

1 Star

Book 1 of The Elysian Dynasty

I like to put up these SaBB posts if the book is not only bad, in some shape, way or form but also has an interesting story to go along with it.  This book performs admirably on all accounts.

First off, it is the epitome of indie trash.  If you read my original review, I didn’t really hate on it, just pointed out what I couldn’t stomach and considered it a waste of time. A one star book on Goodreads, no big deal, right? Hahahaahahahahahahaa.

A fan of the author, who had written a 5star review, came over to my review and started lambasting me for what I had written.  Mind you, I hadn’t gone over to her review or had any interaction with her or the author. This was someone sticking their nose into my review and trying to roast me. I was fast approaching maximum fed up’ness with Goodreads at the time and was fully invested (very unwisely I’m afraid to say) in the Authors Behaving Badly Group. I just let loose on that stupid woman and told her exactly what I thought.

Then the author got involved. Now, let me be clear. I fully respect the members of our Armed Services. They have put their lives on the line so that I can go to work every day and not have to worry if some yahoo is going to blow up a school bus full of children. They’ve also gotten the short end of the stick when it comes to being taken care of for what they’ve gone through.  So when the author told me, once again on my review that the other person was insulting me in, that I was insulting her and that he, as a Marine, was calling me out, anywhere, any time, well, this is kind of what I pictured in my mind:

I reported him to GR, took some screenshots and then deleted all the comments.  I mean, how was I even supposed to take what he said seriously? The whole situation was just ludicrous. Here I am, writing a review for a book and suddenly a “Marine” wants to have fisticuffs with me? Five years later and I couldn’t even remember the name of the book or the author when I went looking for this. Obviously, I was terrified out of my mind by the brutish thug 😉

Thus, another piece of the puzzle that is Bookstooge is revealed. And you wonder why I’m so bitter about indies sometimes. Only unadulterated determination and pure stubborn cussedness has kept me going in the face of such odds.

• SaBB – A Quest of Heroes
• SaBB – Freeware
• SaBB – An Enemy Reborn
• SaBB – Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
• SaBB – Shadows Rise
• SaBB – The Boy and the Peddler of Death
• SaBB – The Space Vampires

A Quest of Heroes by Morgan Rice

1 Star

Book One of The Sorcerers Ring

Yes, Surviving a Bad Book has returned. It makes me feel like Life has returned to normal too, even though it hasn’t. And like I always say:

“Feelings are more important than anything, even Logic, Truth and Life Itself.”

After the last SaBB post, I wanted one that wasn’t so vile. So I started perusing my 1/2 and 1 Star books and oddly enough, the majority of them were from the last 3 years.  So either my taste had improved dramatically OR I’m just being a LOT more picky and not willing to put up with barely adequate trash masquerading as novels.

This particular novel isn’t offensive beyond it’s complete and utter mediocrity. The storyline is lifted wholesale from the story of King David in the Bible and has a dash of Arthurian Legend thrown in.

What really makes this book bad is that I wasted my precious time on it and that the writer has a whole series of the wretched things. I HATE being a Gatekeeper. Back in Ye Olde Olden Days, there used to be these people called Agents and Editors who were paid to sift through all the dreck. Now, with the Self-Publishing Revolution that the Ebook has enabled, I am the Gatekeeper. What’s more, when I actually do some Gatekeeping and call a piece of trash a piece of trash, half the time I get this kind of response:

This is the kind of book that I would DNF at the 10% mark now. Live and Learn.

• SaBB – Freeware
• SaBB – An Enemy Reborn
• SaBB – Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
• SaBB – Shadows Rise
• SaBB – The Boy and the Peddler of Death
• SaBB – The Space Vampires

Freeware by Rudy Rucker

1/2 Star

Book 3 in the Ware Tetralogy

The following post will contain gross descriptions, etc. It was that kind of book so this will be that kind of post. There will also be frank discussions of sex and various fetishes.  You have been warned appropriately.

In my actual review I didn’t get too detailed because I was still dealing with the disgustingness of the book and didn’t really want to go there. But since these SaBB posts aren’t real reviews, but introspective lookbacks, I figure I can let it all out, kind of like the author did.

First off, I was actually enjoying this series back in 2014. Software and Wetware were of the “Weird” variant of SF and while it shouldn’t have worked for me, it just did. I have no idea why, but I was really enjoying something that was just plain Out There.

Then I got to Freeware and things went too far and it was the end of the line for me. Rucker had always had a thing for sex in his books, but in this one he really went into “get some therapy” kind of territory.

I’m not a fetishist kind of guy. Pretending to be someone I’m not, dressing up in costumes, pretending I’m an animal, wearing latex, none of that appeals to me.  What also doesn’t appeal to me is pissing during sex or pooping in or on your partner. Or rubbing feces all over each other.

So when Rucker has some of his characters dress up in latex, use a clear latex sheet and then poop on each other, piss on each other and get turned on by it? Well, that is not just disgusting, it is also perversity of mind and body.  Sex is like any other appetite and if not properly used and controlled, will spiral out of control. That is the part of the Fallen Nature of humanity but I don’t want my mind filled with sewage and so I cut the book off right away.

And I wasn’t even comfortable enough at the time to write all that out in my review.  But obviously I haven’t forgotten it.

I’m just going to end this by saying, who thinks that any of that is a good idea? Who writes that and thinks it is a good idea? Who reads it and thinks it is a good idea?

• SaBB – An Enemy Reborn
• SaBB – Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
• SaBB – Shadows Rise
• SaBB – The Boy and the Peddler of Death
• SaBB – The Space Vampires

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Seth Grahame-Smith.

Let me be unequivocally clear about 2 things in regards to this book.

1) I am a HUGE fan of Jane Austen. I have read all her works, even her originally unpublished stories.

2) This is pure trash. I don’t mean popcorn bad for you trash, but full on pedophile serial rapist bad.

Yes, I hate this book with a passion. In fact, I hate this whole Quirk Classics line. Taking great literature and boiling it down to a lowest common denominator is wrong. It is like putting a mustache and devil horns on the Mona Lisa and then claiming that you’re helping modern kids to appreciate real art. I’m not usually a book snob, seeing as how I’m primarily invested in the SFF side of things, but this, it outraged me. YOU DON’T DO THIS.

When I first read and reviewed this, I read a couple of other reviews and had to hold myself back from calling down curses and imprecations on the heads of those idiots who were praising this puerile filth. Praising it!

I’ve seen other Quirk Classic books since and have had no desire to read them. Not even to read them to bash the ever living daylights out of them. I don’t need to read them to know they’re bad just like I don’t need to eat a plate full of manure to state that it tastes bad.

I’m not actually sure I really survived this. It’s been 7 years and even now, reading my old review, I get in a rage. I think this book got the better of me and wounded me beyond help. Man down, man down, MEDIC!!!

*gurgle, cough, spasms, dying breath*

• SaBB – Shadows Rise
• SaBB – The Boy and the Peddler of Death
• SaBB – The Space Vampires

Shadow’s Rise – Return of the Cabal by Joseph Bailey.

The author was handing out free samples at Mobileread.com back in ’13, so I took a chance.  Obviously, with it ending up in a Surviving a Bad Book post, you know I lost that toss of the dice. The original review was a copy over from Goodreads, hence all the gobbledy gook instead of actual links.

Sadly, gobbledy gook is a great way to describe the sample I read. I suspect the whole book was just as bad.  Basically, this book was every mistake that a writer without talent and without the patience to hone his skills could make. It was laughably amateurish and should not have ever seen the light of day.

When I was perusing my Calibre library and saw this 1star Gem, I had to wonder if it was really as bad as I thought it was. So I headed over to Librarything. Mine was the only review and I think this review “might” have been the one that started me using the “Bloviated” tag. Next I headed over to Booklikes and once again mine was the only review. Holding my nose, I went to Goodreads and there was the reason this got on my SaBB list. It was mostly 4 and 5stars with everyone gushing about how this was the best book ever. I wondered if we had read the same book? Then I started looking at some of the language in the reviews. Bunch of schills. Whether paid or not, I don’t know. But they all stank to high heaven. Finally, I went to Amazon and while there were a couple of honest reviews, most of them once again were comparing this to Tolkien.

Personal tastes in books differ, greatly. But when it comes to good and bad writing, some of that stuff is NOT subjective. This was bad writing and needed several years of practice before being made available for public consumption. This is the exact model of a book and author that I picture when someone says “Indie Writer”. An idea that was not backed up in the execution of the writing.

Thankfully, I only dealt with the sample. That’s why I “Survived” 🙂

• SaBB – The Boy and the Peddler of Death
• SaBB – The Space Vampires

The best thing about this book was it’s cover. I’ve included a high-def picture if you click the picture. It is a FINE looking cover, one of the best for an indie author that I’ve ever seen.

Ok, so this book, The Boy and the Peddler of Death was bad. My review says all I need to say about how bad it was. Harold’s Purple Crayon level of purple prose mixed with a juvenile sense of self-importance and puerile philosophy. Heck, I couldn’t even finish it and it was ONLY 107 pages!!

However, for it to have gotten into my “Surviving a Bad Book” series, it really needed to do something to step down from all the others. So let me tell you a story.

I was on GR at the time, probably my 3rd or 4th time and I was occasionally writing reviews for books that deserved what Goodreads would give them. This was one such book. Several months after I’d written my review, I found out that a young lady had written a review of it as well and been savaged by the author.  Enough so that it appears he was kicked off of GR or at least had all his comments deleted. Good Times on Goodreads.  The thing is, my review was way more confrontational than hers while she tried to be diplomatic. And yet she got the argument. That puts the author, Dylan Saccoccio square into my Scumbag sights. Picking on a girl because you are afraid of a guy? It makes me laugh and cry at the same time.

So there you have it, folks, another entry in the Surviving A Bad Book posts. Thankfully, these past 2 entries have both been on the lighthearted side.  I’m going to try to keep things that way but there will be a couple of entries where things are just plain bad. I’ll try to give a shoutout for those right at the beginning though.

SaBB – The Space Vampires