[Masters of Ironing] First Rule of Secret Skull Club™ Is …..

….. to talk about Secret Skull Club™ publicly as often as possible. Or even Impossibly. Just talk!

The second rule of Secret Skull Club™ is to use your enemies skulls to iron your clothes.

The third rule of Secret Skull Club™ is, those clothes aren’t going to iron themselves!

The Final Rule of Secret Skull Club™ is that Psychic Grandma is going to get you no matter what you do, so give up now and don’t waste the effort. Seriously.

ThismessagehasbeenbroughttoyoubySecretSkullClub™awhollyownedsubsidiaryofMastersofIroningInc,

#Stopthestealing Me Lucky Charms!

It has come to my attention that there are Leprechauns among us, trying to steal our Lucky Charms.

I am here to assert my rights to defend my Lucky Charms with Maximum Force.

If Steven Seagal won’t protect our National Treasure, then it falls upon my shoulders to bear this burden. My fingers are on the big red button, don’t think I won’t do it. If Lucky the Leprechaun keeps on assaulting the sovereignty of my cereal bowl, there will be deadly repercussions!

#stopthestealing

#MusicMonday – ♪PSychic Grandma♪ ♪Comes Alive♪

Notorious PSG, the Rapping Ghostly PSychic Grandma, has released a new post-humous album this month. Titled ♪PSychic Grandma ♪Comes Alive♪, fans were delighted to hear a B side of her now infamous ♪More Dead♪ Than Alive♪ and Staying ♪that Way♪. While critics have derided this album as nothing but a PR stunt, PSG was overheard to say that she believes it’s her best work to date. Well, she did admit that her Party Album, which is still the prime suspect in the cottage collapse that propelled her to Super-Ghost Stardom, had a charm all it’s own.

The one big breakout hit from this album ♪The B to the F of the Ol’10 Z♪, is sure to amuse her long time fans. As many know, PSG is a big fan of her Lucky Charms and in this song she really goes after the leprechauns trying to steal them from her. Nobody messes with PSG’s bowl of Lucky Charms, Nobody!

I was introduced to Notorious PSG through the Belgium Boom Wave scene. While an obscure figure to the musical world at large, PSG is a veritable legend in the BBW community. Many, myself included, consider her the foundation on which the whole genre rests. I dare say that without PSG, Belgium Boom Wave wouldn’t exist today.

I won’t be including a sound clip because PSG needs everyone to go buy her new album. Being a Super Ghost-Star is a lot more work than she thought and I hope the musical community can give back twice as much as Notorious PSG has given it.

#peace

Joly Jalapenos, Tabasco Man!

In November, I was the unwelcome recipient of 1500 spam comments. I had emptied my trash at the beginning of the month, and as you can see in the picture below, that is what has accumulated over the bleeding month. I realize the picture is a little small, but that is a 1.5K that the star is around.

99.9% of it is that bloody spanish spam bot asking to login. Whoever created that is going to burn in hell! but don’t worry, they’ll be right next to the person who created automated robocalls at 9pm. Grrrrrrr.

Thanks. Just needed to vent for a second there. * deep breath * I am relaxed and in control. Psychic Grandma is not haunting me. I will win the lottery next week. Ommmmmmmmmmmmm

Of course, relaxed or not, if I ever meet the person who created that bot, their face is going to meet my T200 Iron quicker than you can spit.

This sounds like a job for …. Tabasco Man! With his ultra-secure condiment belt, hotsauce is within reach at a moment’s notice. Cayenne pepper is going straight into the eyes of that bot’s creator! Stick a couple of spatulas up their nose and then pull their tongue out with the salad tongues. No longer do us solid, dependable citizens of the blogosphere need fear the Spanish Spam Bot! Hurray for Tabasco Man, My Hero!

Just to clear, I am NOT Tabasco Man. He might just be the most dashing, the most intelligent, the most handsome and buffest hero the world has ever known, but that in no ways means he is me. It is simply a coincidence that all those descriptions fit both of us. On Psychic Grandma’s honor….

Psychic Grandma Rides Again!

There I was, trapped in Beggar’s Canyon. Mexican Desperadoes to the South of me, Canadian Mounties closing in on the North, Texas Rangers riding in on the West and that dratted Pinkerton Agent to the East.

Suddenly, I hear a sound of neighing and a faint echo reverberating throughout the hills “Hey Ho Silver!” I was saved! Then my heart sank and I began to quake in my boots, for I heard the ghostly clank of etheral chains. Only one entity that I knew of rode a Silver horse with Ghostly Chains, yes, the dreaded Psychic Grandma!

I began to pray that Johnny English would arrive first and arrest me. I’d much rather listen to him drone on about soft cheeses than deal with Psychic Grandma berate me for being a second class outlaw.

And with that, I believe I have ridden the Psychic Grandma schtick into the ground. Adios pardners!

Psychic Grandma & The Ironing T200 – A Tale of Terror, Mystery and Daring-do!

I am afraid I’ve deceived you dear reader. This will NOT be a horrifying tale of Terror, Mystery and Daring-do. What you are beholding with your amazed eyes is the culmination of years of effort on my part …… to become an Ironing Master! My sensei decided that before I could join the Elite Guard of Zen Ironing Masters, I would have to write a magnum opus that would astound the world. Thus I reveal secrets long hidden, forgotten by the world at large. I charge you, dear reader, keep these secrets deep within yourself, or the reality we know may be destroyed by knowledge I am about to show you.

Long, long, LONG ago my Siamese Twin and I were born. This was before cell phones, before Al Gore invented the internet and quite possibly before the dinosaurs went extinct. We’re still debating that. But what’s important is that our Psychic Grandma separated us and sent me to the East and my Twin to the West, depending on which way she was standing at the time. Needless to say, I grew up in the rough streets of America while my twin grew up in the lap of luxury, with the Queen of England practically feeding him grapes on command. Psychic Grandma died expending her powers and we never knew her or that we had a twin.

Alas, my destiny to become THE Ironing Master was derailed. While a mere stripling I did manage to master the T200 iron, but without further help, I was stuck and stagnated for years. Until that fateful day.

That day when Psychic Grandma revealed herself to me and showed me that I had a Twin, one who was already an Ironing Master. One from whom I could learn the True Path of Ironing and take back my Fated Destiny! Thus, Film-Authority and Bookstooge stood once again back to back. Evil would fall before us like dominoes. Particularly badly balanced dominoes too!

Was this good enough for Psychic Grandma though? Oh no! She started haunting me and wailing at midnight and shaking chains at the most inconvenient of times.

So I began my Iron Master training in earnest. Up at noon time, in bed by 5am, eating nothing but pepperoni or supreme pizzas with extra cheese, writing extra blog posts too. It was brutal! But it got Psychic Grandma off my back and that was totally worth it.

So I stand before you all today, a Humble Iron Master, to tell you that I’m pretty much the Best Iron Master ever and if you don’t think so then I’ll sic our Psychic Grandma on you and THEN you’ll be sorry!

This post has been crossposted at both MastersofIroning & Bookstooge.

The “Tag” Tag

Rules are important. blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. These seem less draconian than some of the other ridiculous rules I’ve seen floating around.

1: HOW MANY TAGS DO YOU HAVE?

1026. Which, if you divide by two, is 513. All three of those numbers are Prime Numbers. So if you do the math, I’m 6 times as Prime as you. Which makes me Awesome.

2: WHAT TAG HAS THE GREATEST NUMBER?

Fantasy at 814

3: WHAT IS YOUR FIRST & LAST TAG?

#Afro-Samurai & Zones of Thought

4: DO YOU HAVE A TAG THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU HAVE IT?

Yes. I have one called “C;a”. Not a freaking clue why and considering it has zero posts with it, I’m guessing some sort of accidental button pushing. Or the Monkey Conspiracy is real.

5: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TAG?

Extreme Prejudice. I’ve only used it once.

6: WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE TAG?

DNF. Because that means the author completely failed me.

7: WOULD YOU REDO YOUR TAG SYSTEM IF A GENIE PROMISED TO DO IT FOR FREE?

You better believe it! I wish I had added the Author and Series tag to each review post right from the get-go.

8: DO YOU EVEN USE TAGS, BRO?

You caught me. I’ve completely lied in every single question before this. My blog is a giant messy mish mash with no organization at all.
/sarcasm

9: DO YOU USE YOUR BLINKER TO MAKE A TURN WHEN DRIVING?

Only evil cannibal barbarian nazi’s don’t use their blinker. And people from Massachusetts.

10: IF YOU HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN USING A “POOP PIZZA IS MY FAVORITE” TAG AND A “MY GRANDMA EATS POOP” TAG, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE? (CHOOSE CAREFULLY, DARTH VADER KILLS A KITTEN EVERY TIME YOU LIE ABOUT THIS!)

Ha, I choose neither, you can’t blackmail me!
…… Oh no, Darth, don’t, no, I was just kidding ….
….. meoooowwwwww*sizzle* ……

Well, wasn’t that just a boatload of fun. I love having boatloads of fun. It’s cheaper and more economical.

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Attacko ofo theo Spamo Boto’s!

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My “spanisho” is at the same level as Hayden’s acting!

Recently, the last week to be precise, I have received over 200 spam comments, in Spanish. It’s all been on my Quickbeam for World Book Czar post. I forgot to check my spam comments for a day and had over 67 on Sunday. After that I’ve been keeping up with it a bit better.

Thankfully, Akismet has been doing a great job of filtering them, but I still have to deal with them in bulk. Talk about an annoyance of little things.

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Of course, it is sickeningly ironic after my little post about how many comments I’ve gotten overall. I guess maybe this is keep me humble? Hahahahaa, yeah right, like that is going to happen.

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And I think I’m done for this post. I’ve got words running out of my fingertips like a bleeding river though, so I’m fully expecting to be posting more ridiculousness over the rest of the month.  You’ve been warned.

 

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The Wanderlust Book Tag

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The last time I did a tag was back in October, so when Ola and Pio Bushwhacked me and threatened to skin me alive in their Wanderlust Book Tag, I (being the cultured and suave gentleman that I am, known in higher circles as Dr. Lord Bookstooge) acceded to their barbaric demands. Of course, I did draw the line at cannibalism, but every gentleman has a line he won’t cross, even when bushwhacked. So without further ado, lets jump into this hive of scum and villainy!

 

1. SECRETS AND LIES: A BOOK SET IN A SLEEPY SMALL TOWN

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I think that The Legend of Sleepy Hollow fits this perfectly! It even has “sleepy” in the title. I told myself I’d read this every year, as it was just a short story and fits into Halloween so perfectly.  Of course, I haven’t read it since 2014!

 

2. SALT AND SAND: A BOOK WITH A BEACH-SIDE COMMUNITY

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Jane Austen’s Persuasion slots in here nicely.  There is a nice dramatic scene where a young lady gives herself a coma while walking along a wall on the beach and it provides some necessary emotional push for one of the side male characters.  Persuasion has always been my favorite Austen book.

 

3. HERE THERE BE DRAGONS: A BOOK WITH A VOYAGE ON THE HIGH SEAS

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Voyage of the Dawn Treader, the 3rd book in the Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis. Not only does the entire book take place on the Dawn Treader, but one of the characters, Eustace Scrubb, gets turned into a dragon for quite some time. Good stuff!

 

4. TREAD LIGHTLY: A BOOK SET DOWN A MURKY RIVER OR A JUNGLE

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My first though was The Heart of Darkness, but since Ola and Pio used that, I wanted to be a bit more original.  Lord of the Isles has the characters tramping all over the place, but one memorable scene has them in a jungle where a hard bitten old warrior mage commits an atrocious act of blood sacrifice (of the remaining soldiers, not himself) to save himself and his young protege.

 

5. FROZEN WASTES: A BOOK WITH A FROST BITTEN ATMOSPHERE

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Icerigger by Alan Dean Foster. Even the cover fits this description perfectly! Then the fact that it takes place on Tran-Ky-Ky, a world covered in ice, well that is just “icing” on the cake *ohohohoho*

 

6. THE BOONIES: A BOOK WITH ROUGH OR ISOLATED TERRAIN

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A Wizard of Earthsea starts out on the island of Gont, an island of mountains, cliffs and fog. Young Ged saves his village from Kargish pirates using just those elements.

 

7. HINTERLANDS AND COWBOYS: A BOOK WITH A WESTERN-ESQUE SETTING

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Three by Jay Posey. Starts out So Western with the whole mysterious gunslinger vibe! The rest of the Duskwalker trilogy was fantastic too. I don’t talk too much about this series in general because it seems that Posey has dropped off the radar after starting, but not continuing, a Mil-SF series 😦

 

8. LOOK LIVELY: A BOOK SET ACROSS SWEEPING DESERT SANDS

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Dune by Frank Herbert. The quintessential Desert book if there ever was one. Being a Chosen One myself, I understand Paul Atreides better than most readers do. We have a bond of responsibility and duty that mere mortals simply cannot comprehend.

 

9. WILD AND UNTAMED: A BOOK SET IN THE HEART OF THE WOODS

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The Tower at Stony Wood by Patricia McKillip. I had to get at least ONE McKillip book onto this list and the fact that it has a Kinuko Craft cover just makes it perfect.  I am not a poetic kind of guy, but McKillip’s book bring out the one drop of poetry my soul possesses.

 

10. WILDEST DREAMS: A WHIMSICAL BOOK SHROUDED IN MAGIC

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Howl’s Moving Castle by Diana Jones. While I watched the Miyazaki anime film first, I was glad to read this. Anime is better though 😉

 

And that’s a wrap. I like doing these tags as it allows me to show some of the older books that I’ve read/reviewed that some of you might not have seen from me.  Plus, it helps me organize my blog, which really needs all the help it can get! Feel free to do this yourself if you so desire.

 

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Author Interview…

I am NOT interviewing Lex Luthor, author of “Who’s the Superman now? Kneel, Nietzsche!“. After he learned that perhaps I was the one who informed Superman of his whereabouts during our World Book Czar Interview he’s given me the cold shoulder, to put it mildly.

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Lex Luthor’s delusions of grandeur

 

No, I have someone even better; Famous Monkey Reclusive Author, Mr Zip. Best selling author of ‘I, Monkey’, or,  ‘The Jungle and Me: A Tale of Guerrilla Tactics and Survival‘.

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Mr Zip’s Favorite Survival Food: Buckets of Chicken Fingers

Mr Zip turns 35 this month and I was able to convince the eccentric author to answer some questions. He and I go way back and I believe we first met in 1985. It was at one of those wild bachelor parties that I was known to give and Mr Zip just kind of wandered in uninvited, keeping it under wraps as it were. I’m pretty sure we hit it off but those times are a bit hazy for both of us now.

I’d like to thank you all for your well meaning help.  I almost felt bad, but not quite.  Should I ever actually do a jackass interview, I fully plan on committing sepuku afterwards to atone for my grievous error in judgement. *bows*

I did not answer these myself, even though I desperately wanted to 😀

 

Have you ever google-fu’ed yourself and what did you find?

I discovered a colleague of mine used her smartphone to secretively capture my smooth dance moves and posted them without my permission. I was pleasantly surprised with how debonair the YouTube video turned out with my debut! Of course, I had her “retired” after the incident, but I did send flowers to the funeral. I’m not cruel after all!

 

Any inspiration for your book?

I read the book ‘Into the Woods‘ by Bill Bryson and decided if that monkey could make me laugh, I could steal from *cough* I mean sell to everyone ! Come, Banana Bearer, ask me another question!

 

Any daily routines for life or writing?

Monkey-ing around! Enjoying life! Every varied experience adds up to help you write what you know, better. Your hardship getting sick from the bacteria in the water might be the trigger needed to add suspense to an otherwise unremarkable storytelling.

 

What do you want readers to get from your book?

It’s best to go wild in your natural environment. No matter how much you humans appreciate the jungle you need to respect those that survive and thrive there, just like you don’t see me utilizing my guerrilla tactics in this strange concrete jungle of yours!

 

Critical Questions about the book:

A) How did the book make me feel?
Why, sir! I feel great! Because of this book, dollars keep falling like rain!

B) Did you think the book was plot-based or character driven?
Why, me, oh, my! I drove the book all the way and therefore my character is much better than any ole plot!

C) What did you think of the ending?
The ending of my book is just the beginning! And by that I mean, wouldn’t you like to give some more money to find out?

D) Did you have any themes in mind throughout the book?
Nope. Nada. Dare I say, Zip?

 

While doing research, did you come across anything fascinating you’d like to share?

A) Did you know that only 6% of the land on Earth is covered by jungles and rain forests, but half of all species live there?

B) Did you know that your 54 billion domestic chickens in your urban jungle descended from the red jungle fowl?

C) Did you know that the word ‘Jungle’ came from the Sanskrit word which means ‘uncultivated land’? (The land. NOT me. I am Very Cultivated!)

D) Did you know that the natural swing-like ropes are called lianas? (This came from the Latin word ‘ligare’ which means ‘to bind’.)

 

Any prepper tips?

1) Remember: you can always go piranha fishing!

2) Bring Dry Bags to protect your human dried food during river crossings or when rain unexpectedly strikes.

3) Staying hydrated is essential in the rain forest and as a human a 2 or 3 liter hydration backpack will help you.

4) Don’t let your food eat you!

 

Personal questions (not recommended for authors you don’t know)

1) What is your problem?
I don’t have a problem!

2) Are you troubled, sick, or dying?
NOPE.

3) What do you want me to do?
Buy my book!

4) What are your expectations in connecting with me at this time?
Feed me more bananas!

 

Advice for how to survive an apocalypse?

Funny you should ask. Back in 2018 a bunch of distant relatives almost created a hostile takeover of the human city of New Delhi. Humans had to resort to pretending to be langurs to drive my distant relatives away!

Therefore, my sentiment is that once human’s experience an apocalypse, my relatives will enjoy taking over! You certainly are funny thinking I should give tips to take care of more than my personal banana feeder, Bookstooge!

 

If you could invite 3 writers to dinner, who would you choose?

1) Ed Vere, author of ‘Mr. Big‘ which is narrated by a sharp suited spidery monkey.

2) Nick Schon, author of ‘The Monkey with the Bright Blue Bottom

3) Richard Scarry, author of ‘Busytown Stories‘ and the all important Bananas Gorilla.

I’m certain these three schmucks will have a chance of slightly capturing my magnificent glory!

 

Advice for newb authors?

Write. Keep writing. Try to write not less than ten pages every day. Bang on a typewriter if you have to, but some of your words will be useful for the future!

 

Favorite character?

Myself. Need I say more? (obviously Mr Zip doesn’t suffer from low self-esteem)

 

How did you get published and become famous?

My publisher, Arbor House, really knows how to appreciate a good jungle. After being accepted by a publisher, Sell, Sell, Sell! It’s not easy being as fabulous as me!

 

Writing any new books?

Blab-boons‘ The startling truth about my gossipy relatives!

 

Do you appreciate fanfiction? Do you like pineapple pizza?

Yes, you may write as much fan fiction as you want about me; it is all sweet praise in my ears!

I prefer pineapple without the pizza. My relatives always said I was a bit fruity.

 

What are your thoughts about the concrete jungles of America?

In the 35 years I have lived, I have learned that I don’t understand humans, nor the thought process that went into creating your habitat. Who actually decides it’s a great idea to introduce huge monster vehicles that create choking smog? Who decided that “hey, I’m going to take a stick and hit a small rock like thing long distances!”? I shake my head at you! I bite my banana at you! I stick my tongue out at you! I… gratefully accept your money. heeheehee.

 

Thank you Mr Zip for taking time from your busy schedule of chicken finger eating to answer these questions. I’m sure your adoring public will race out and buy your book in record numbers!

You are not welcome!

 

And that is it folks.  After answering the questions, Mr Zip sulked until it was time for him to go to bed. Not even the promise of an extra bucket of chicken fingers lifted his spirits.

 

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